To be really frank I think I am emotionally enstranged from my family.
Truth be told I never write to my family.
I just don’t know why, I just don’t feel that my thoughts and values are in sync or in the same frequency as my family.
To put it in other words I never truly understand and appreciate what my parents and my siblings want, and neither do they really take note of what I really desire.
I know sometimes I am self centred, wilful and a tad idealistic. But I just can’t help feeling that way sometimes, even though I do try to control my mood to suit the occasion.
My ideal vision of a family: An intelligent dad who cracks jokes with a good sense of humor that warms the cockles of my heart but never freak me out, guides me patiently and encouragingly in my work but never boss me around of make me feel inferior, takes me out to try new things like fishing, mountain climbing, taking a dip in the sea, horse riding, barbecueing, fun stuff like that. A sweet tempered mum with a lot of patience and good reasoning and being calm and rational when something is wrong, like when I accidentally cut myself, or fall down, or during my periodic bouts of uncontrollable diarrhoea and vomiting, one which I am able to share stuff such as crushes or moody feelings and things like that, and still being able to guide me through them. Next is an older brother who is a couple of years older than me, who loves and protects me as his little sister and is very very strong. He will share his college experiences and introduce me to his girlfriend when she comes round for dinners, or accompany me to the clinics or hospitals when Mum or Dad is not free to take me and during weekends or the holidays he will take me along to hiking trips, camps, to the beach where we can trek along the rocky coasts and collect seashells, or just sit there and watch the sunset with our dear old collie whom I will name Bert. My older brother will protect me if anybody tried to bully me in school, and he will make sure I will not be ostracized whenever possible. And then I have good old Bertie, who will always lick my toes and place his paws on my hands and wag his tail at me whenever I feel upset and nobody is around to comfort me. He will follow me to school every morning and sit beside me at my desk. He will also be my trusty protector whenever I go mountain climbing or fishing or stuff, basically he is my 24 hour bodyguard and good friend.
We will live in a large house in the countryside with vast green meadows and pretty orchards brimming with apples every autumn, shimmering stars at night, and undulating hills blanketed with pure white snow every winter. We will have a stable at the backyard, from which I take my Shetland pony out for a canter in the fields – for Dad won’t let me touch his Thoroughbred – it is too strong for me to control. My family will attend every prize giving ceremony, plan every birthday party for me, and go out together for a getaway in beautiful places like the Great Barrier Reef, the Enchanted River in the Philippines, Tibet, Bhutan, Stonehenge, Gold Coast, the Great Canyon, the Great Wall, the Golden Pyramid and many more. Or we just simply harvest the apples together with the wither leaves coated in brilliant gold and amber under the rays, mom would make maple syrup, bring out the honey, brew red tea and knead sourdough for healthy bread, and we would settle for a lovely supper of apples coated in maple syrup and honey, toasted bread with maple syrup and honey and butter and piping hot red tea. My favourite.
Couldn’t really fathom what the heck is going on in the apartment recently.
Mom just got, well, fatigued. I am partly to blame, I am too immersed in my musings (and too indolent perhaps) to give her a hand in things.
Actually, my mother is a rather little lovely woman who is a comfortable presence to have at home. Her name is Sharon and she is an immigrant from Tangkak, a little town in Johor, Malaysia. She persevers in her everyday doings, cleaning the house, cooking meals, going grocery shopping and taking care of my little brother and my father (I’ll explain later) even though she admitted that she ‘should have better things to do’. I think she is a wonderful lady.
My father is a rather rough character at home. He is gentlemanly in social events, but very brash and insensitive at home. He places financial coverage and food as priority, and used to heap colossal helpings of lavish dishes like roast duck, braised pork, grill salmon, fried chicken wings on his (and ours) plate until the diagnosis of terminal cancer hit the sense back into him last Christmas. I feel obliged to have a bond with him and reject him at the same time. But for now I have to move on. Don’t ask me why.
My younger siblings are, ugh. Well, my younger sis Elleora is in her second year in secondary school. She is top in her class and the fourth in her cohort – a very promising young girl who is going to receive a prestigious academic scholarship from the Ministry of Education very soon. She is setting her sights in the Humanities stream for her O Level course next year. She is a great friend and confidante (only in certain topics!) but she may be too obsessed with her Korean pop stars, sometimes (actually most of the week, if you minus the glorious 10 hours she clock for her bedtime, but still she even DREAMS about her T.O.P and G Dragon oppas, facepalm haha) And that’s not very promising for a young lass who still hasn’t got a boyfriend. For my brother Cecil, he is in his first year of kindergarten and is moving on to year 2 next spring. He may be very cherubic but he can be quite a devil, he nearly tore my study table down when I was not around for a week (I went to Malaysia for a break) But still he is intelligent beyond his years. He can form proper sentence structures and apply his linguistic abilities in real life while his peers are still struggling with phrases! Amazing isn’t it? But sometimes I just can’t stand him.
I have two cousins from Malaysia staying with us for a few years. One is Elder Sis Alvina, only daughter of my father’s 2nd elder brother, who come here from Pulau Pinang to study in a polytechnic and university before finding an apartment in Singapore to live here for good. Another one is Elder Bro Sheng, eldest son of my mother’s elder sister, from Tangkak Johor. He joined us in about July this year after graduating with honors in Newcastle University in the UK to begin work in Singapore as well. He wants a PR status in Singapore. I guess he will be staying for good as well.
I guess Mum’s pretty overwhelmed having to deal with so many things within such a tight schedule. I can tell she so desperately wants a holiday. I’ve tried offering her one, at the expense of my scholarship allowance (which is a couple of thousand dollars). But she refused everytime, saying that I will never know what she wants, and besides she have other duties to do.
But really, it is not a crime to forgo your duties ONCE IN A WHILE and have fun right?
Couldn’t understand what this woman is thinking about.
But sometimes I just feel so helpless as well, being unable to get rid of certain issues for my mum.
Sometimes I feel she is just being exploited by the whole family, even myself, sometimes.
I just get the feeling that she is being pressured and bullied into doing things for people.
Kind of sad, really.
But sometimes I thought it was her fault that she didn’t pursue a higher education in the first place and marry someone better than my father.
But the case is, I don’t really know the full story of everything right?
At times she will get really upset about nothing in particular, perhaps by a comment that I uttered unintentionally and she would scream at me for making her suffer.
Every morning is not always a good morning. Sometimes I wish she can disappear and do the cleaning and cooking from another dimension.
How selfish a thought. But it’s only a thought.
Selfish me. Undeserving me.
I hate myself sometimes.