Random post on a random rainy day

Hi guys, it’s raining like cats and dogs, and I just thought of taking a break and writing something…

So it has been over six months since I last entered this domain… ugh lots of housekeeping matters to attend to. Any way so many things has happened these eight months or so… kind of make me feel like I am little Dorothy recovering from that whirlwind and trying to make sense of what the hell she is getting into right now.

So now I am on my second final lap towards A levels. Frankly speaking, this eight months is – i can’t find the exact words to describe it – to me a kaleidoscope of – like, sparkles of hope, flushes of excitement and challenges, the sweetness (sometimes an overdose of it) of girl power and tons and tons of candy and chocolate (sorry my language is territrocious) and also huge patches of grey disappointment, shards of broken glass and bitter gourds and sometimes fiery hot chili and wasabi from the teachers. But most of the time it’s more of pushing boulders up the mountain, whether you like it or not.

Sometimes I just can’t help but feel frustrated about the things I see around me, my past, my present and my future. It just seems that that pot of gold is perpetually out of my reach, like I’m getting there… getting almost there… but with one ‘wham!’ something comes down hard and solid on me and I realize what a trash (of sorts) I had been in my endeavors. The saddest moment is that when I see people around me getting it so smoothly. Undeniably I don’t have the foundation they had (and that is another story), but initially I believe that hard work will always match up to talent … but in a two year race between imported talents from middle school in humanities subjects like literature I just realized that such things require a certain amount of experience in it, it isn’t as easy to train as in maths and sciences, in which there is a fixed theory or formula for nearly everything in the syllabus.

I have a really really big ambition. I guess that is kind of unrealistic at this moment of time, but from the beginning of high school I have a feeling that a career of this nature suits my personality the best. I wish I can take up History (international or Southeast Asia) in uni, graduate with at least a second upper honors and go into the academia after that. I wish I can go explore round the world for exchange program, going to places like Cambodia to learn more about mines and their tumultuous history, and doing social work there, fly to Poland to visit the concentration camps, Israel, Washington DC, the Middle East, the Peace Palace, DMZ and North Korea, stuff like that, and helping out in research and writing of articles, this kind of thing. Perhaps I am quite simpleminded and naive now, but this is my ideal in my life. This has been my motivation to study hard these ten months or so.

But sometimes certain things got the better of me. They distract me. I had promised myself on the first day of high school that I will not compare results with my peers like how I did in elementary and middle school, so I try my best not to be swayed by all these kinds of things in Year 1. But until this year, suddenly best improvers start mushrooming out of nowhere… I mean, this is quite scary for me who is trying very hard to keep up, and well, it really spooks me out, for I started losing confidence in myself, like, “Jesus Christ am I slacking off? Why don’t I seem to improve while my classmates are like zooming across the tracks like F1 racers (even though the results slip shows I have, in fact gone up like 17 rank points within three months, but the point is, its just not enough to me)”
Given that the A levels are looming right the corner, our mathematically obsessed headmaster is counting crazily in the chilling coldness of his concrete cave (I wonder why he never needs a cardigan or something), and well, the time bomb is ticking. Ugh. I appreciate his like-a-kid-counting-down-to-Christmas-ish eagerness, but really, that’e the last things I will need. And while that time bomb is ticking, here I am wasting my life over a WordPress post.

And speaking of that, sometimes, I mean, perhaps people may feel this sometimes, I feel that I am just a loveless, useless body wasting air, food and space (I mean maybe people out there do feel this horrible sometimes). No input to household income, just sit there and eat and sleep, occasionally checking the internet and study study study. Sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder that the education system nowadays is getting creepier by the years. We students seriously need a life. Get out, throw away all those drill practices that only turn us into mindless machines only capable of replication and photocopying ‘smartly’ (yeah right) and do something useful. Learn a skill, do some manual labor, help the people and contribute to society. Really grades may be something in some situations but they are not everything in everywhere. Things materialize only when people believe and emphasize on them -as a whole-.

Perhaps I am just writing this because I am not the high achievers here, true, but really, is this what Life is ALL ABOUT? Getting the best grades, the highest KPIs and move on without much thought forever and ever? This is a freaking stupid rat race really, people lose their creativity due to them being caught in the flow, as society demands it, and they just become iron-hard (and rusty) moneymakers. Seen these kind of people around, even on the podium of lecture halls in high school. Pathetic.

But what if I become like them next time? When my dreams are dashed, and I have nowhere else to turn to thanks to the way that my society views humanities, that the only viable way is the education sector, and I will be the next pathetic old preacher in a worn out suit droning on and on monotonously to a cohort obviously not paying much attention, throwing in snippets of sarcasm here and there and… carry tons of papers home to mark, giving half- hearted ticks here and there, correct… not so correct… and maybe scribble some big words in there, trying to spice up my language and sound more intelligent than I really am. Imagine doing that for forty years until I get my pension. Yuck.

So for now, I’ve just said my piece. sorry if I sound really bitchy to people… honestly speaking, I have been pretty out of sorts these few days. Maybe I should write a few more posts next time about some lovely things I had experienced… I mean, after all the rain has stopped, the sun is shining, and suddenly I just feel… brand new… 😉


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